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| ya know... for some strange reason, i was sitting here at work, lookin at my xanga, goin through really old posts and realizing that i used to post like 2-5 times a day a couple years back when xanga was THE BLOG of the millennium. i miss xanga. why cant we all go back to using xanga instead of myspace?? who knows... i miss you xanga tim | | |
| this is another one of those blogs that might not make much sense to many... everything is going to come out scattered...
its 2:05am on a monday. im tired, but as usual, i cant
sleep. i sit here, infront of my bright computer screen, trying
to keep the tears from streaming down my cheeks.
why am i distraught?? its no ones fault but my own.
a close friend of mine sat me down today and helped me realize so many
things about myself that i need to work on and change. he said
things to me that hurt, but they were things that i needed to hear.
ive very recently figured out that the one thing i believe in most is
karma. everything action made or word spoken will come back to
bite you. sometimes it can turn out well, and sometimes it turns
out bad. karma has come back to bite me hard, and definitely not
in a good way.
why am i so fucked up emotionally?? thats a damn good
question. its time i start looking deep within myself to find the
answer.
i cant blame anyone but myself for how ive turned out.
my childhood was great. you could even say i was slightly
spoiled. from a young age, i was taught to have a strict
moral code. no drinking, no smoking, no drugs, no pre-marital
sex, no cursing, do your homework, eat healthy. i went to school,
had fun at recess, came home to a nice big house. i had my own
room. mom was the typical housewife... baking cookies and
brownies, making dinner before dad got home from work. i had
EVERYTHING i could ever need and everything that i wanted, i got.
after dinner id go play basketball at the park with friends,
rollerblade around and play street hockey, and terrorize the
neighbors. life was perfect... or so it seemed. mom, sam
(my lil bro) and i drove down to socal in our minivan to visit
family. dad flew in the next day to see us. dad flew out
the next day to go back to work. a few days later, on our way
back up to norcal, mom had to give sam and i some news. when the
word "divorce" came up, i broke down. "how could they?"... family
was supposed to be a married mother and father, bro, sis, a cat, and a
dog. "why would the break that up?"... it hit me hard. i
thought that i wasnt a good son and that i had done something to make
my parents split up. the family went into counseling to see if
they could make it work, and they couldnt. constant tension,
constant fighting. i went into therapy to see if i could get help
with my anger management and depression issue that resulted from the
divorce. it only made things worse for me. i tried to cope
with everything on my own, breathing techniques, limited amounts of
exercise, relaxation techniques... nothing. i tried to take my
mind off of family issues by focusing on junior highschool and
highschool the next year. things started looking brighter for a
while. i never had a self confidence issue when i was
younger. my parents were always told that i was a really cute
baby and that id be very handsome when i got older. bright blue
eyes, bright blond hair, clear complexion, everything was symmetrical
(i dont spell, get off my back)... i was adorable. as i started
getting older, i did have some issues with how i looked. my teeth
werent perfect, i was chubby, and i burned too easily out in the
sun. it took a toll on my emotional state again. as i got
into highschool and started discovering that i had feelings for guys,
my self esteem problems got worse. i didnt look like the "pretty"
people that i went to school with and it hurt. i ate to feel
better... comfort food... what a cop-out!! being short, putting
on tons of extra weight from the over-eating, and the development of
acne... oh man... i felt like a pink version of shrek. my self
esteem problem got even worse after all that. i felt so bad about
myself, which was my fault, due to the lack of drive to do anything
about it, that when i hit 18, i ditched the morals i was brought up
with and decided to participate in activities that werent, and still
arent, healthy for me. i started having sex, and instead of
having casual sex here and there with one partner, i went nuts. i
thought guys werent going to like me for my looks or who i was, so i
thought that if i showed them what i can do in the bedroom, maybe they
might actually like me... at first it was true. they did like me,
until they found out that i was a lying, cheating, whore. i
pretended to be a good guy so that guys would want to date me... i
wanted a boyfriend, but i didnt allow myself to make the commitment and
stay faithful. i cheated on boyfriend after boyfriend and ended
up hurting a lot of people. due to my actions, ive made so many
people around sacramento my enemies... its nothing theyve done... it
was all my actions that caused it. i need to grow up. my
self esteem issue has gotten better in the last year or so. ive
lost some weight, the acne is... meh... if i stuck with my proactiv, id
actually have completely clear skin, and ive gotten taller over
time. i get told, "youre hot", "youre hella cute", "id fuck you",
all the time, and for some reason i still feel gross. back to the
need to grow up thing... david and i are on the outs again, and
yes, ill admit, its my fault. when he and i broke up months ago,
there was an unnecessary amount of trash talking coming from both
sides. every time someone random person told me that he kept
telling everyone that i cheated on him, i should have done the mature
thing and just said, "i dont care", or not even have said anything at
all. instead, i was very immature and decided to play the trash
talking game back. then we started to hang out again, talk
occassionally, and work on a friendship. but the last month or
so, i kept hearing from everyone around town, that he keeps walkin
around talkin smack about the cheating thing, so i did what i shouldnt
have done. i talked shit behind his back. it came back to
bite me hard. he and i are no longer talking again. i
always tell people that i take pride in having an "i dont give a fuck"
attitude, and for some reason, i do give a fuck. i shouldnt care
what others say, but i do. i shouldnt let what ppl think affect
me, but i do. i shouldnt get on everyones ass for doin stupid
shit that doesnt affect me in anyway, but i do. i shouldnt let
minor things get on my nerves, but i do. its sad. i need to
practice what i preach... im just not going to give a fuck
anymore. i need to control my desire to be the center of
attention. i always want to be the topic of conversations, i
always want to be in the middle of everything, and i always want to
know what is going on in others' lives... why?? i need to learn
how to stay quiet and sit in a corner sometimes. let ppl talk
about what they want to talk about, and listen. with my negative
attitude, ive pushed so many people out of my life, best friends
included. dillon and i were close for so many years, and i acted
like an ass. edie and i no longer talk. i was a dick to
ben, his ex gf brittany, and austin and i arent friends because i
couldnt get over something that happened so fucking long ago. i
had a bunch of friends that i vowed i would keep in touch with, and i
got lazy and lost touch with them. i lost my job at the casino a
couple of weeks back, and instead of jumping right into a job search, i
let my obsession with looking better (tanning, swimming to relax, and
working out) get in the way, so now im broke, and the bills are backing
up fast.
starting on monday, when i wake up, im going job hunting, im done
burning bridges and talking shit... if you wanna talk about me, go
ahead, i wont play games back. ill practice what i preach on the
"i dont give a fuck"... i wont give a fuck, and im going to get off my
ass and put in the gym time to lose the few pounds i wanna lose, tone
up to where i want to be, ill start tanning some more, and ill keep up
on the proactiv, so that i can get over my appearance/self confidence
issue.
thank you friend for telling me how it needs to be
you know who you are
tim | | |
| nothing is how it once was...
so many things have changed in my life... many external changes, but
for the most part, the biggest changes in my life have come from
within...
i no longer associate with many of the same people i used to associate
with. they have certain maturity levels that i can no longer be
around or deal with. im not planning on doing the same things in
life anymore either...
i have decided that i am going to finally grow up and move on...
i still have my 96 olds cutlass... fuckered it up a bit... but it
runs. we moved out of our old condo and into a new 4 bedroom
house, only a mile down the street from the condo... the car kinda sits
infront. i still live at home with dad right now... free rent...
cant bitch too much about that, now can ya?? i performed an oral
favor for someone who in turn, purchased a 1997 oldsmobile bravada 4x4
with a credit card... so i drive that now... ill be driving that until
i fix up the cutlass and start drivin that around again...
im still working at the casino... been on the full time early butt
crack of dawn morning shifts for almost 5 months, and although i get up
too damn early, i love it. i feel like a real adult now. i
received my serving certification, so now im a full time host/cashier
and a part time beverage server... i make decent money, but im
currently looking into putting myself in a professional "real career"
type of environment...
i thought i was going to stay here in sac, pay debts off, go back to
school, and move when i was older... but those ideas have gone out the
window...
i now have other plans...
im going to keep working hard this spring/summer... take a couple weeks
off near the end of august or the end of september, go down to southern
california, visit family.... and if i can attain a job and a
place live while im down there, i will come back up to sacramento and
put my 2 weeks in at the casino and move down to socal....
i cant stay in sacramento anymore....
the ppl here are pathetic... too many bitchy, faggy, immature, children that have their heads stuck up their asses...
i wanna live where there are beautiful ppl, beautiful cars, beautiful weather, and business opportunities....
i want to better myself as a person and i cant do it here....
wish me luck...
tim
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| holy fuck monkeys.... its been over 4 months since ive posted a blog on here.....
jeebus rice!!!! LOL..... man..... im tellin ya........ ever since i got
myspace a little over a year ago, ive been hooked on updating that one
as much as possible and ive totally neglected xanga
not much goin in my life.... pretty much the same story..... over and fuckin over again.....
im still workin at the casino, still a host/cashier in the buffet, but
ive been on fulltime for a while now, and im going to morning
shifts...... i still have the cutlass, but dad decided to sign it over
to me for my birthday..... im struggling to keep that car running......
its got some serious issues.... but i lubs it..... its mah babay......
im still workin on getting all my debts erased, which is takin longer
than i originally had anticipated, but im now more organized and im
getting out of collections.... YAY
http://www.myspace.com/timmytimtim18
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| an update... finally...
i guess i have this issue with xanga or something.... i always update my myspace, and never get around to updating my xanga. many new things have been happening in the last few weeks. I almost got a place with some friends, but then couldnt because our financial situation wasnt going to work with the new place....grrrrrrr..... stopped talking to edie, dillon, jeanie, and isaiah because of stupid ass shit. still dont talk to danielle.....
im workin at thunder valley casino still, trying to transfer into a new department..... love my job and hate the people.
im trying to find a person i can fall in love with, but i doubt i will cuz i dont think they exist in this town.....
alright, im done for now..... | | |
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